Walking the Same Pathway Again
The latest surging of price crises, fare rates and some more series of protests against that have discreetly brought worry into my fragile heart. I’d say fragile because even small matters can break it.
Questions about survival, resources and perseverance begin to gather in my thoughts. How am I supposed to survive with my meager salary? Have I already saved enough? Am I going to make a new budget allocation again for these additional increases? Should I now go and get a sideline? What if I will also go with those labor group protests, because after all, I am already silently protesting within me? With the prices going up and my salary at steady position, it’s impossible not to worry. And sadly, I admit I did worry.
One day as I did my usual morning brisk walk to the office, I pondered upon these questions in my heart. And how sad I was in thinking about those things! I turned to look at the flowers, and their beauty no longer brought a smile to my lips. I looked up to the clouds and their puffiness no longer excited me. I inhaled deeply and the fresh air no longer refreshed me. Then I realized something must be wrong, definitely wrong, because I have realized that even those “little free pleasures” have been robbed from me.
If I was not so conscious of my time, I could have cried at that very moment. I just felt so sad and hurt with the realities around me. And then my old heart-question came to me again: where did all my joy go? Then, as if in a whisper, the answer came. “Em, it’s because you’re putting your hopes in things that will not really last. Always remember that they will never, ever bring you joy. How many times have I told you that? Your real joy comes only from ME! I thought you told ME that you will let ME hold your life! I thought you wanted ME to take full control of your thoughts! I thought you said you will follow ME all the way. But why are you worrying now?” And that was how God convicted me.
Of course, how could I have missed on that! All this time, those thoughts have affected me so much because I had a misplaced perspective. I have forgotten, yet again, that God had promised a future for me (Jer. 29:11), that He will never, ever leave me alone (Joshua 1:9), and that He will help me (Ps. 46:1). And if I would not believe that, then I am not actually letting God work His ways in me, and I would end up worrying even more. And ever so slowly, I asked my Lord and Savior again to help my retrace my steps back to Him. It has been a tiresome wayward journey, but I’m glad HE has found me.
I found myself singing the hymn, “Why should I be discouraged? Why should the shadows come?... When Jesus is my portion, a constant help is He. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.” I recognized that it was natural for me to feel that way considering that I was working in a Christian organization, where we always live by faith, that is, where salaries are based on pledges and donations. I recognized that worry would always be part of the human me. But I also recognized that where worrying is sin, and that God offers me forgiveness, new chances and hope to persevere in this hurting reality I’m in.
I must only put my faith in Him, not because my faith is strong enough, but because He whom I’m placing my faith in is strong enough.
Yes, these are just things one has to face when he steps and walks on independence and self-support. And I realized, it had been a pathway I’ve walked through before, just that, it had looked more threatening. But God did alight my way, and now I’m already retracing my steps. I’m still a long way off, but He’s walking with me anyway.
“Oh Lord, if Your presence doesn’t go with me, please, never let me leave this place (Exo. 33:15, paraphrase). In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.” :)
Questions about survival, resources and perseverance begin to gather in my thoughts. How am I supposed to survive with my meager salary? Have I already saved enough? Am I going to make a new budget allocation again for these additional increases? Should I now go and get a sideline? What if I will also go with those labor group protests, because after all, I am already silently protesting within me? With the prices going up and my salary at steady position, it’s impossible not to worry. And sadly, I admit I did worry.
One day as I did my usual morning brisk walk to the office, I pondered upon these questions in my heart. And how sad I was in thinking about those things! I turned to look at the flowers, and their beauty no longer brought a smile to my lips. I looked up to the clouds and their puffiness no longer excited me. I inhaled deeply and the fresh air no longer refreshed me. Then I realized something must be wrong, definitely wrong, because I have realized that even those “little free pleasures” have been robbed from me.
If I was not so conscious of my time, I could have cried at that very moment. I just felt so sad and hurt with the realities around me. And then my old heart-question came to me again: where did all my joy go? Then, as if in a whisper, the answer came. “Em, it’s because you’re putting your hopes in things that will not really last. Always remember that they will never, ever bring you joy. How many times have I told you that? Your real joy comes only from ME! I thought you told ME that you will let ME hold your life! I thought you wanted ME to take full control of your thoughts! I thought you said you will follow ME all the way. But why are you worrying now?” And that was how God convicted me.
Of course, how could I have missed on that! All this time, those thoughts have affected me so much because I had a misplaced perspective. I have forgotten, yet again, that God had promised a future for me (Jer. 29:11), that He will never, ever leave me alone (Joshua 1:9), and that He will help me (Ps. 46:1). And if I would not believe that, then I am not actually letting God work His ways in me, and I would end up worrying even more. And ever so slowly, I asked my Lord and Savior again to help my retrace my steps back to Him. It has been a tiresome wayward journey, but I’m glad HE has found me.
I found myself singing the hymn, “Why should I be discouraged? Why should the shadows come?... When Jesus is my portion, a constant help is He. His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me.” I recognized that it was natural for me to feel that way considering that I was working in a Christian organization, where we always live by faith, that is, where salaries are based on pledges and donations. I recognized that worry would always be part of the human me. But I also recognized that where worrying is sin, and that God offers me forgiveness, new chances and hope to persevere in this hurting reality I’m in.
I must only put my faith in Him, not because my faith is strong enough, but because He whom I’m placing my faith in is strong enough.
Yes, these are just things one has to face when he steps and walks on independence and self-support. And I realized, it had been a pathway I’ve walked through before, just that, it had looked more threatening. But God did alight my way, and now I’m already retracing my steps. I’m still a long way off, but He’s walking with me anyway.
“Oh Lord, if Your presence doesn’t go with me, please, never let me leave this place (Exo. 33:15, paraphrase). In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.” :)
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