What? Me? A Ghost?

I really had this weird dream last night.  Sure, I did have many other dreams since as far back as I can remember, but there are dreams that are just so disturbing they really stand out in one’s memory.  And last night’s was one of those.

I dreamt that I was already a ghost, but I didn’t know it.  I still kept on spending time with my family and friends, talking with them.  I didn’t actually realize they weren’t able to see me. 

But one day, for some reason, my older sister saw me (which turned out that I actually and supposedly let her see me), and she was the one who revealed that I’ve already died.  And I asked how I died, and she said I was hacked to death.  I was so shocked and scared at what she said, especially that I realize I didn’t remember being physically hurt.  I woke up in the middle of the night panting because of that.  And I remember asking myself while still in my dream, why wasn’t I in paradise?  Wasn’t that what the Bible said about a follower of Christ who dies?  I can also still remember the despair I felt then after my sister’s revelation.  I remember walking away and alone on a barren place, carrying an opened umbrella because it must be sunny (?, but I remember a gloomy weather) and feeling really, really lonely and sad.  I thought to myself, is this what movies say that there are still ghosts walking with living people though the latter don’t see them? 

When I woke up, I was kinda glad I’m still alive.  Yes, it was a weird dream.

But the dream’s nagging theme continued to nudge me even as I worked.  Several questions arose in my mind.  And so I resolved to just reflect on what could the dream mean for me.  Perhaps, the Lord is showing me something about myself at this moment in my life.  But then again, this is only for my personal consumption. 

First thing I realized is that the “ghost roaming with the living” part is true for me.  Something is dead in me; a lack of zeal and enthusiasm for life.  I know I’m alive, but I’m just basically going through stuff.  Some days I get excited over something, but I no longer have that high-level, excited, looking-forward daily disposition, which I used to have when I first understood what Christianity meant for me.  How did I reach here?  Will I stay here for long?

Second thing I realized is that “walking on a barren place alone” is also true.  I’m carrying an umbrella, a shelter for something that wasn’t really there, since it was a gloomy day.  My feeling was as lonely as the place I was walking on.  Had I been trying to protect myself from something that doesn’t really exist?  Is it a fear that isn’t really there?  The aloneness is despairing.  I am alone inside, even if I’m talking with people.  What will this sense do to me?  Do I have the power over it?  Or is it only a season that will also pass?

My beloved IVCF is celebrating 60 years, and we’re on this weeklong “tuning in” with God.  And then it struck me.  Is the Lord now answering my prayer of Psalm 139:23-24?  If He’s not, well, then it was just a silly dream possibly endorsed by my activities of the day.  But if He is, then I got to pay more attention.  And I can’t think of any more options besides the two.